Police Officer: “I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia”.
Me: “Wait, I can explain everything!”
What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can’t opener
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. “Do you mind waiting for a bit?”, the manager asked. “Not at all” I replied.
“Good, take these drinks to table 9″
If I had to get rid of one part of my body, it would be my spine.
Sometimes I think it’s holding me back.
As I was late to the cannibal feast,
I was given the cold shoulder.
My girlfriend said I’m getting fat,
but in my defence,
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.
I’ve been telling people about the benefit of eating dried grapes,
it’s all about raisin awareness.
The secret service no longer yell “Get down!” if the President is about to be attacked,
they now have to shout, “Donald, duck!”
I bought a Womble pepper grinder today, it’s rubbish,
everything’s either Underground or Overground.
Why was Sean Connery asked to leave the animal sanctuary?
He said he wanted to shave the animals
How many musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
And a one, and a two, and a three……
If you boil a funny bone does it become a laughing stock?
What do you call a hen looking at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
To the person who stole my glasses.
I will find you. I have contacts.
A coach full of musicians has broken down on the M5, blocking 2 lanes.
Police say to expect some lengthy jams.
The man who invented throat lozenges died recently,
there was no coffin at the funeral
I've decided to sell all my chiropractic magazines,
I have loads of back issues.
There's a new a travel guide highlighting towns and cities with badly laid paving slabs. It's called TripAdvisor!
I thought I'd use my Tesco clubcard to scrape the ice off my windscreen,
but I could only get 10% off.
It’s a 10 minute walk from my house to the pub,
but a 30 minute walk back from the same pub.
The difference is simply staggering !
My Grandad always said, “as one door closes, another opens”,
lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
I got a rejection letter from the origami university today,
I’m not sure what to make of it.
A stressed little old lady at Tesco’s asked me if I could see the least busy checkout for her.
After a quick scan I noticed the queue at the other end looked ok, so I pointed and said “far queue”. The feisty old girl hit me with her handbag and walked off.
I went to the Dr and said, ” Whenever I drive my small vehicle I get chest pains.”
He told me, “It’s because you have a wee kart.”
When asked if I knew any guillotine jokes, I said,
“not off the top of my head”.
I'm dating a girl who loves to be covered in cheese,
she's a cracker.
The world tongue-twister champion was up on a charge in court,
they gave him a really tough sentence.
No matter how enraged Germaine Greer gets,
she’ll never be as irate as her sister, Anne
Our local football league has a Greek mythological team,
their striker is half man, half horse, he’s their centaur forward.
I went into a library and asked, “Do you have any books on shelving?”
The librarian said, “yes all of them”.
My girlfriend told me she wanted a spa day for her birthday,
I’ll tell her it’s pronounced ‘spade’ when I give it to her tomorrow.
I see they’ve invented a new game, called ‘Quiet tennis’,
it’s just like normal tennis, but without the racket.
I’ve got a new job drilling holes for water,
it’s well boring.
I bought a dog from our local blacksmiths,
as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
My Grandad was a dyslexic baker in the army,
he used to go in all buns glazing.
What do you call a teacher who’s always late?
I saw Michael J Fox in the florists this morning,
he had his Back to the Fuschias.
I had a bottle of Omega 3 pills thrown at me the other day.
Luckily I escaped with just Super Fish Oil injuries.
My girlfriend wanted sex on the bonnet of her Honda Civic, but I refused.
If we’re having sex, it’ll be on my own Accord.
Men have found taking Viagra eases their sunburn.
It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off their legs at night.
Do you know why the Danish have bar-codes on the sides of their ships?
it’s so that when they dock they can Scandinavian.
Finding my lost luggage at the airport is a nightmare,
you might think it’d be easy, however, that’s not the case.
Optimist drowns in bath half full.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went out, had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
I watched a documentary on ship building last night.
It was riveting.
I have a horse called Mayo,
Police confirmed a man was arrested after falling into a combine harvester, having tried to steal it.
He will be bailed later.
I've just discovered an origami porn channel,
sadly it's only on paper view
I keep dreaming that Suggs is walking up my driveway.
Is this the first sign of Madness ?
Which country's capital has the fastest growing population ?
Ireland, everyday it's Dublin
My girlfriend discovered I was cheating on her, having found a pile of letters I’d hidden,
she said she’s never playing scrabble with me again.
A policeman with a sniffer dog said to me,
“My dog tells me you’re on drugs!”
I said “mate, you’ve got a talking dog but I’m the one on drugs?!”
Crossing a busy road, a passer-by said, “There’s a pelican crossing up the road”.
I replied “I hope he’s having better luck than me”
I cooked a medium rare steak for my friend and he said, “I like it well done.”
I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”
Our pet mouse, Elvis, died last night,
he was caught in a trap.
To be Frank,
I would have to change my name.
You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
No matter how far you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Sports news:- Wheelchair athletes banned from the Paralympics after testing positive for WD40.
I just got hit over the head with a Power Tool.
I was sitting there minding my own business, then next thing I know…
A weasel walks into a bar, the bartender says “I’ve never served a weasel before, what can I get you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel.
What do you call a Spanish flasher?
This is a terrible spell of whether.
What do you call a man with cat scratches all over his head?
My latest girlfriend really takes my breath away,
My girlfriend said it’d really be a nice birthday surprise if I got her something to run around in.
So I bought her a tracksuit.
If your name is Andre, when writing,
you ought to think twice before signing off with a kiss.
Possibly the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of Charades.
My dog ran off in the park last night. I walked around for 30 minutes but couldn’t find him. The Mrs said I should look harder,
so I shaved my head and got tattoos. I still can’t find him!
One liners galore below
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are about 49cents and deer nuts are just under a buck.
Why don’t owls try mating in the rain?
Because it’s too wet to woo.
Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?
He was looking for a tight seal.
Aren’t Zebras just horses that escaped from prison?.
Sometimes I watch football holding an Xbox controller just to confuse people.
Why have an exercise bike?,
it’ll get you nowhere.
People in Dubai don’t watch the Flintstones ,
but Abu Dhabi do.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
My friends career is in ruins,
he’s an archaeologist.
RIP boiled water,
you will be mist.
You know what often gets overlooked?
While looking at my ceiling I wondered, is it the best ceiling in the world?,
well it’s definitely up there.
A hearse driving slowly on the motorway was pulled over by police,
and fined for undertaking.
What does a ghost keep in its stable?,
Went to the zoo the other day, and saw a baguette in a cage,
I thought, hmm, bread in captivity.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says,
”I’ll have a pint please, and one for the road’
I phoned the local ramblers club today,
but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
My mate just got a job as safety officer in a kids playground,
I think his career's on the slide.
People say I'm dumb because I have a lisp,
it makes me thick.
What do you call a magic dog?
What do you call a chicken looking at a lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
In Antigua it costs £2.00 for a steak pie, in Jamaica it'll cost £2.50, but in Barbados it's £4.00!
These are pie rates of the Caribbean.
A poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement
is finding it hard to deal with.
Mum: "What are the lion and the witch doing in your wardrobe?"
Son: "It's Narnia business".
Went out last night and had a pelican curry,
the food was all right, but the bill was huge!
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
"For optimum view by mobile phone or other hand-held device, please click on the 'Text-Only' version at the bottom of this page"
A man who was in court for stealing a bag, took just 3 minutes to get sentenced,
it was a briefcase.
A wizard walked into a gay bar,
and disappeared with a poof.
What kind of nuts make you sneeze?
The inventor of the USB drive had died,
thanks for the memory.
Three things that always tell the truth:-
1. Young Children
As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way,
I think perhaps I wasn't the best tour guide.
With the transfer Window now closed,
many Liverpool fans were disappointed not to have got Bale,
so it was back to the cells for them.
I worked with an old boy who was in a band called The Hinges in the 60's,
they supported The Doors.
I used to date a one legged girl who worked at a brewery,
she was in charge of the hops.
I asked the baker, "how come all your cakes are 50p, but that one's £2?"
He said, "that's Madeira cake".
I wasn't very close to my dad before he died,
which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine.
and you'll have a really big restaurant.
A feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships,
apparently, 'in HD', wasn't the correct answer.
A man had a terrible accident at work, he fell into an industrial pepper grinder,
he’s fine now.
Imagine if Beyonce’s father had been Roy Castle.
I don’t see the point of a pocket calculator,
who doesn’t know how many pockets they have?
Who’s in charge of the hankies?
How do Mexicans stay warm?
They use chickens for heaters.
What do you call a man with cat scratches all over his head ?
Why did the pirate struggle to learn the alphabet?
Because he kept getting lost at C!
My parents told me I was conceived after they got drunk on cheap Australian lager,
that’s how I discovered I’m a Fosters child.
Unexpected sex is one of the best ways to wake up,
unless you’re in prison of course.
Sean Connery has finally found his niche,
she was in his back garden with his nephew.
I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a chicken and met a girl dressed as an egg.
An age old question was answered, the chicken.
The kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again,
it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.
My Geordie mate said, "your actions will have grim repercussions",
I thought, 'excellent, they're what Death sits on aren't they?'
My mum is always saying, "40 is the new 30",
lovely lady, just lost her driving licence.
One bonus of growing up with a dyslexic father,
if he caught me swearing, he'd wash my mouth out with soup.
Baby whale: "Dad where did I come from?"
Dad whale: "From my penis son"
Baby whale: "Thanks dad"
Dad whale: "You're whale cum son".
To err is human, to arr is Pirate.
Arsene Wenger says Arsenal will be in a major European competition next year,
even if he has to write the song himself.
I wonder how many transvestites have a Wigan address?
Did you hear about the baker with smelly hands?
He kneaded a poo.
Why did the short sighted man fall down a well?,
because he didn't see that well.
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
A wind turbine asks the turbine next to it, "what music do you like?".
It replied, "I'm a huge metal fan".
What did the grape say when it got stood on?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
I'm not convinced about the popularity of Advent calenders,
I think their days are numbered.
My mates Thai girlfriend told him that a small penis shouldn't spoil their sex life,
he said she may be right, but he'd prefer it if she didn't have one.
I was chuffed when my lesbian neighbour got me a rolex for my birthday,
but I think she misunderstood after I'd said 'I wanna watch'.
My mate told me he was pulling off his boxers before going to bed when his Mrs said,
‘you spoil those dogs’.
So Grandad walked into the room with his tackle out, smothered in boot polish,
bless him, he mis-heard when we told him to turn his clock back.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
Some just told me to stop acting like a flamingo,
so I had to put my foot down.
The writer of 'The Hokey Cokey' song has died, it was a struggle getting him in the coffin,
they put his left leg in, then the trouble started.
My friend has opened up an ice rink charging just 10p a go,
what a cheap skate.
What do you call an alligator with GPS?
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A Chinese man faked his own death, but his family were suspicious,
they didn't bereave him.
To that bloke in a wheelchair who nicked my camouflage jacket,
you can hide, but you can't run!
I haven't talked to my girlfriend for days now,
I don't like to interrupt her.
The man that invented throat lozenges died last week,
there was no coffin at the funeral.
I've discovered I have a logic fetish, I
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
Arriving at work today a clown opened the door for me,
I thought, that's a nice jester.
What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a Rap artist?,
Lesbian tennis player gives her opponent a good licking.
Someone's having a BBQ 1760 yards away,
you can smell it a mile off.
Just dropped my new phone in the jacuzzi,
I think it's syncing.
I walked into a Baker's and asked, "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?,
"No, you're right, its a Doughnut.", he said.
what Brummies ask bees.
They say mums have eyes in the back of their heads,
well one woman really did, but had an op to put them where they belong,
hasn't looked back since.
The tiles, A,E,I,O,and U were discovered in a dead scrabble players stomach,
vowel play is supected.
I was in a restaurant when I got hit in the head with a prawn cocktail,
as I looked round, the waiter shouted, "that's for starters!!"
I've been thinking of getting rid of my old hoover,
it's only gathering dust.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball,
I bought a pair of shoes off a drug dealer, dunno what he's laced them with,
but I've been trippin all day.
I've been working for an Arab dairy farmer,
or Milk Sheikh as he prefers to be called.
Two dead canaries for sale on e bay,
not going cheep.
I've spilt stain remover on my trousers,
how do I get that out??!
I just saw a digital radio going cheap as it's stuck on full volume,
can't turn that down.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face,
no one cares about your workout.
Allegedly California has the highest rate of adultery and depression,
that's a sad State of affairs.
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together,
but only one of them knows.
I can see exactly 6 years into the future,
I've got 2020 vision.
I always knew that I'd never become a lawyer,
as I struggle to pass a bar.
We remain in the grip of a global economic crisis,
and all the rivers are still flooding,
I blame the banks.
I was in a car showroom today and the salesman asked, "What are you looking for?" I said, "Because I can't afford to buy".
I was watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra,
and half way through the bloke on the triangle disappeared.
The Judge told me I had the heart of a lion,
and a lifetime ban from the zoo now.
It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.
I went to a really emotional wedding last week,
even the cake was in tiers.
If your girlfriend starts smoking, slow down and use a lubricant
My dad's hobby was collecting empty bottles,
which sounds so much better than 'alcoholic'.
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea,
you never get that tea.
While on acid I would see things that looked like beams of light,
and hear things that sounded like car horns.
"I haven't slept for two weeks,
because that would be more like a coma."
There were a couple of girls banging on my bedroom door all last night,
I had to let them out eventually.
I used to be a freelance journalist, but I was crap,
Lance is still in prison
I heard a rumour that they're giving away manure at my local fair,
so I went down there to check, it was bullshit.
Our local school has become an academy, it's sponsored by IKEA,
standards may be fine, but assembly takes ages.
I ate a ploughmans lunch at the weekend,
he didn't look too happy about it.
A set of jump-leads walks into a bar, the barman says,
"I'll serve you, but you'd better not start anything" .
Dorothy Parker (1893-1967):
'If you want to know what God thinks of money,
just look at the people he gave it to.'
Why not click on one of the buttons below on the left and share this joke page with others?
"Jesus loves you", can be a nice enough gesture in church,
but not what you want to hear in a Mexican prison.
There's been a new therapy group set up for Tourettes sufferers,
'Tourette's Welfare And Treatment'.
I decided to go for a swim to forget this terrible drought we're having.
I did 25 lengths of the back garden.
My dyslexic mate has had trouble getting a job, so I looked over his application for him, where it asked if he had any disabilities he wrote, 'I occasionally need a bit more time than others as I have sex daily'
If the chemical composition of water is 'H2O',
does that mean that Holy Water should be 'H2OMG' ?
New Durex slogan: 'Wrap it in latex or she's gonna get your paychecks'.
I'm really worried about my Parrot, he keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life",
my room-mate's too selfish to notice, he's always crying.
You know Drogba's playing when the fourth official is a Lifeguard!.
Aint it just a little racist that they called the sea between China and Korea the Yellow sea?
'Twister kills fifteen in Kansas'., Chrissakes, I knew it was an awkward game but that's ridiculous!!
My gambling addiction cost me my marriage,
or as I like to think of it, won me a divorce.
For Sale: Replica Fisherman's Knife (Made To Scale).
Alcohol gives you the ambition to do anything,
while simultaneously destroying your ability to do so.
My room mate has just lost one of my Mr Men books,
no more 'Mr Nice Guy' :((.
Essex, the only place where the Ann Summers shops have a 'Back to School' section.
"Hot Cross Buns" was actually the name of Jesus' first aerobics DVD.
I'm in the dog house again, last night my Mrs said if I turned the light off she'd take it up the arse,
maybe I should've waited until the bulb cooled down a bit.
I hear Millets have gone into administration,
will this be the winter of our discount tent?.
Our parrot got out of its cage and shagged the blummin dog a while back,
now we have some puppies going cheep if anyone is interested.
How do you make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
With Greece in ruins, no more Jobs at Apple, should we now worry that when James Dyson dies he'll leave a power vacuum?
I'm really into Grandfather clocks,
Roll up, roll up, cheap fags for sale.
Do lesbians send hate male?
Remember ravers, DJ Jesus died for your Spins
A muslim, and a mouse with an eye patch are being hunted after a robbery,
police advise not to approach, as they are Ahmed and Dangermouse.
'Tis obsession of Yoda my girlfriend has left me because.
My girlfriend assures me that size doesn't matter, but all of her dildos look like they're missing a lamp shade.
My girlfriend asked me for some Southern Comfort,
the slap in the face alerted me to the fact we were thinking differently.
"I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig",
It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.
There was a race on TV where the prize was £1 million,
a Scouser ran away with it.
Dyslexic IT technicians wait ages for a USB,
then three come along at once.
There's a huge advert for Viagra in our high street,
it's been up for ages.
My Ultra Sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
Predictive text really gets my toga.
I've just bought a mirror clock,
I think it's time for reflection.
April Fool's Day:- The day every newspaper fools readers by sneaking in one properly researched, factually correct story.
I told my girlfriend I was looking for cheap flights on the net, she got all exited, said she loved me, unzipped me, then gave me the best blowjob ever,
I didn't like to spoil it by telling her they were darts flights.
I've just heard that the hard-drinking Jockey Wilson has died,
I bet he finished on a double.
Idea for a new TV series??
Former MP Leon Brittan takes hostage the host of, 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire',
it could be called, 'Brittans Got Tarrant'
I took my wife to a freak show yesterday, but they weren't hiring.
Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital,
"It's great, he can almost string a sentence together", said Fabrice.
If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced,
that's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
My dyslexic mate said he's being sent for counselling as they said at Court he has angry shoes.
My new favourite band is Dog Whistle,
you won't have heard them.
I got covered in ketchup earlier today,
from my head tomatoes.
Don't blame the photographer's,
the Loch Ness monster actually really is blurry.
A baby seal walked into a club.
Today I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall, as he turned and sneered at me I thought,
'that's a little condescending'.
Grammar, the difference between knowing your shit,
and knowing you're shit.
The only reason guys get fake tans is because there's no sunlight in the closet.
For lent, I thought I'd give up sexual innuendos,
but it's so hard.
Just witnessed an Apple store get robbed,
police have detained me as an iWitness.
I saw a Dutch guy with shoes that had built in satnav, bloody clever clogs.
February 29th, the only day that a man doesn't want to see a woman on her knees in front of him.
Did you hear about the lonely pyromaniac?,
he's still looking for the perfect match.
A dog owner that entered his pet at Crufts has been sentenced to 6 months for outraging public decency.
Rangers football stadium, Ibrox, is to be renamed, "The Inland Revenue Arena", or IRA for short,
but it's only provisional.
I've got a make-shift job at a computer keyboard factory
Isn't it funny how we say that, 'noses run', and, 'feet smell'.
'Open Mike Night' can mean a whole different thing in gay bars.
Weatherman reacts angrily to being sacked after so many cold gloomy forecasts,
no more mist & ice guy.
If a Chinese person dies, but no one turns up to their funeral,
is that unbereavable?
My mates Thai girlfriend told him that a small penis shouldn't spoil their sex life,
he said she may be right, but he'd prefer it if she didn't have one.
We went to see Liverpool at Anfield recently, and it lived up to all our expectations,
my car was stolen.
I was going to get a power-gate for my driveway entrance,
but with gate power comes gate responsibility.
My mate was a victim of his own success,
his trophy cabinet collapsed on him.
I've fallen in love with a another ventriloquists doll,
but she's already spoken for.
BBC News: Fabio Capello resigns from the England job. An Italian abandoning a sinking ship, who would have thought it?
I'm keeping maggots warm in my mouth for fishing, will they do me any harm?
I wait with baited breath.
My mate Gaz is the kind of guy who just lights up a room,
he's an arsonist.
We have a local band that are so bad that,
by popular demand they have to smash up their instruments before the gig.
My mate was told by his doctor to do something that gets him out of the pub,
so he took up smoking.
Common sense is like deodorant,
the people who need it most rarely have it.
Ever think you'd like to buy a Parrot and teach it to say,
"Help, they've turned me into a parrot" ?
It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman,
it doesn't matter if its Visa or Mastercard.
My friend told me he threw a stick 5 miles and his dog found it and brought it back!
Sound a bit far fetched?
I had a happy childhood, my Dad would put me inside a tyre and roll me down a hill,
they were Goodyears.
'From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter,
some day I intend reading it.' Groucho Marx
I seem to have upset my new female boss, as I never put the toilet seat down,
dunno why I picked it up in the first place really.
I took a degree in ballet,
and got a 2:2
Women can be like shed roofs,
if you don't nail them well enough, they may end up next door.
What do you call a Spanish flasher ? SeenYour Willie
I once bought a Bonnie Tyler Satnav, but it was crap,
it kept telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.
I got a dig bick, you that read wrong.
You read that wrong too:)).
Why do Essex girls go to the toilet in pairs?,
because they're not used to pulling their own knickers down.
Can't get tickets for this years Reading festival, but it's alright,
I've got some for the Writing festival which is better.
There's a new Gang Rape edition of Cluedo,
turns out they all did it.
Woman to husband:- "My gynaecologist says I can't have sex for a month".
Husband:- "What did your proctologist say?"
It's that time of year again, when Satan gets a shitload of letters from dyslexic kids.
What are cheese puffs made of?
Just watched a documentary on the uses of a pick axe,
it was ground breaking stuff.
A couple were out shopping, when suddenly the wife realized her husband is missing,
so she phoned him asking, "Where the hell are you?"
Husband: "Darling, you remember the Jewellery shop with that diamond necklace you fell in love with,
and I didn't have the money, but said, 'Honey, it'll be yours one day'?"
with a smile, she blushed, "Yes I remember that, my love."
Husband: "Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop."
All rap seems to sound the same to me,
I think I've got Dre-ja-vu.
Kim Jong's dead?, I didnt even know he was Il.
Maybe he chose the wrong Korea?,
his epitaph will read: 'I told you I was Il'
My girlfriend ditched me for a fisherman,
I was gutted.
At this fancy dress do, I had Chewbacca waving his hairy arms and moaning at me,
I guess that's just the way the Wookie Grumbles.
If the world were a logical place, surely it would be the men that ride horses side-saddle.
I've got a new job with 500 people under me,
cutting the grass at the cemetery.
My mate fell in the vat at the distillery, some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned.
When he was cremated he burned for three days.
What did the seven dwarves say to the prostitute?
A recent survey discovered that a woman's, "I'll be ready in five minutes",
and a man's, "I'll be home in five minutes", are exactly the same.
My mates girlfriend wrote on a balloon, "Will you propose to me?"
he immediately popped the question.
I pulled this older woman on Saturday night, her teeth were like the stars,
they came out overnight.
An essay should be like a skirt, long enough to cover the subject,
but short enough to keep it interesting.
Women can be much like volcanoes,
ready to blow any time, but probably never will.
At the end of this Japanese football match I was watching,
the players started practicing Martial Arts,
it must've been Ninjary time.
It's daft this craze of cow tipping,
what would they do with the cash anyway??.
I got struck on the head by a clock yesterday,
serves me right for winding it up.
France, Ukraine, Sweden and England, = F.U.S.E.
what are the odds that we'll blow it?
Just lately when I go out, some bird with long legs starts following me,
I think I'm being Storked.
Apparently sex shops now stock Muslim rubber dolls,
quite popular because they blow themsleves up.
Why do we have women on foot patrol in the police force?
to keep the streets clean.
Out last night, I said to this girl, get your taco Senorina,
you've pulled a dyslexic Mexican.
I dialled 999 the other day and said, "Two girls are fighting over me."
"OK," she paused. "Well what's the problem?"
"The fat one's winning."
Apparently Egypt is having problems with factions trying to hive off their assets since the uprising,
so be wary of any Pyramid Schemes.
Here's a quandary for you, when the Pope dies,
is he being fired or getting promoted?
Me and my mates invited some pikey to play golf with us yesterday, but never again,
he was only interested in doing our drives.
A kiss is often just like a spider-web,
it can end up with the undoing of flies.
A dog walker was found dead in the local park,
police found the dog, but as yet, they have no lead.
My friend likes to weave garden herbs together to make belts,
what a waist of thyme.
they'll give you a run for your money.
With the new iPhone having trouble understanding the Scottish accent, Apple have begun working on an 'Aye'phone.
Bought a suit made from a cactus,
looked pretty sharp in it too.
Why was the hearse horse hoarse?
Because of the coffin.
Walking down the road and I saw my mother in law fall over,
I didn't laugh but the pavement cracked up.
My mate bemoans the fact he can't get a girlfriend, even though he speaks two languages fluently,
English and Klingon.
Went to a shocking pub last night called 'The Fiddle',
it was a vile inn.
If iPhones were to go on the fritz now, we could have the classic headlines of,
'Apple and Blackberry crumble'
Baldness... a second chance for gingers
Apparently the new film about Margaret Thatcher will be certificate 18 as it's upsetting for miners
'Saudi man convicts both wives of adultery',
two birds, one stoning.
Why did the Polish man cross the road?,
because he stole the chicken's job.
When I see a virgin I think, "WOW!"
or 'World of Warcraft', as it is short for
My wife girlfriend dumped me because she says it's annoying how I relate everything to Batman,
what a Joker.
I used to go out with a girl called Penny,
she was a copper
As the saying goes 'time is money',
then does that mean all ATMs are time machines?
Life is like a bowl of soup,
you only get blown if you're hot.
STD's, allowing morons to pass tests too.
Does it occur to anyone filling in their Curriculum Vitae to say they know a little latin?
I saw a dog trying to shag a clowns leg the other day,
animals do the funniest things.
My mates daughter's horse will only come out when it gets dark,
it's becoming a night mare.
How does a bull warm himself up on a cold night ?,
he slips into a jersey.
Want to be an orchestra leader?,
then get into a bath of liquid nitrogen and turn into a superconductor.
In the news a Chinese boy has sold his Kidney to pay for an ipad,
so now he has a tablet to help him feel better.
My mate & his blonde Mrs decided to flip a coin to see what their new born son should be called,
now he's called 'Tails'.
Man Utd begin rebuilding with a move for Luka Modric,
Tottenham will only accept a player-plus-cash deal involving £20m and Howard Webb
Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances to get pregnant?,
she blew them both!
To be fair, in the Champions League final United were without their star man,
they just couldn't compete without Howard Webb.
Katy Price has had two new tattoos on her ankles, Clark Kent on one and Superman on the other,
because you never see them together
My girlfriend thinks I have a gambling addiction.
She hasn't said anything, but I bet that's what she's thinking.
My shoelaces keep falling out,
why can't they just get along?
My Grandads last words were "you selfish boy!"... I respected his wishes and became a fishmonger soon after.
There's a big fire at the Emirates Stadium, Arsene Wenger panics, shouting, "The cups! Save the cups",
but the firemen tell him, "Don't worry Arsene, the fire hasn't reached the canteen yet."
Ryan Giggs today admitted to suffering from homesickness,
saying that even though he's happy in Manchester he does Miss Wales occasionally.
Yesterday a Scottish newspaper put the face of the footballer with the super injunction on its front page, with a black line across his eyes.
Today a newspaper in Dublin has done the same.
Rumours are spreading round Ireland that the man involved is Zorro.
Apparently there's a new soap coming out, set in Bradford,
it'll be called, 'Koran Nation Street'
A beggar asked me if I had any loose change,
I said, "No mate, it's nice and secure thanks."
I got caught smuggling twelve cases of fortified wine in to the country,
I'm worried I might be deported
West Ham Football Club have said they were driving Chris Huhne's car and please can they have the 3 points.
Did you hear about the two gay lorry drivers?,
they exchanged loads.
How are women like fine wines?,
you can get them cheaper if you go abroad.
How do a football pitch and an arts degree differ?,
a football pitch has goals.
Whats the difference between a Muslim wife and an Essex wife?,
the Essex wife gets stoned before she commits adultery.
There's a new Elbow tribute band around, called 'Arse',
they're so good you can't tell them apart.
At the barbers today, I asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise,
so he gave me a cushion to sit on.
With the new iPhone having trouble understanding the Scottish accent, Apple have begun working on an 'Aye'phone.
Bought a suit made from a cactus,
looked pretty sharp in it too.
Walking down the road and I saw my mother in law fall over,
I didn't laugh but the pavement cracked up.
My mate bemoans the fact he can't get a girlfriend, even though he speaks two languages fluently,
English and Klingon.
Went to a shocking pub last night called 'The Fiddle',
it was a vile inn.
If iPhones were to go on the fritz now, we could have the classic headlines of,
'Apple and Blackberry crumble'
As the only Pro Bono lawyer in the firm, I get a lot of grief,
everyone else thinks he's a pretentious twat.
Despite popular held belief in some areas,
'Sonny Jim' does not refer to an Islamic fitness centre.
As part of a school project on cultural diversity, my friends son invited a local Korean family round for dinner,
the school reckon it's the first case of the homework eating the dog they'd ever come across.
My mates girlfriend makes extra money polishing WW2 helmets,
certainly puts a smile on the face of the patients at the Chelsea Pensioners care home.
I had a steak at this restaurant last night that mooed at me,
I thought, that's rare.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds,
he should move somewhere else.
Why a man should ever want to marry is a mystery,
why a man should want to marry two women is a bigamistery.
BBC NEWS: Swedish woman in Malmo, stops rapist by biting off part of his tongue,
police have a man in custody, but he`s not talking.
BBC NEWS: In Sydney, Australia, a Cheetah C200 plane crashed into a ferris wheel,
police say the pilot is slowly coming round.
How often does a smurf do anal?,
once in a blue moon.
Escapologists struggle for a living.
Apparently, Amanda Knox's lawyers say there has been, "no winner", from the court case,
obviously discluding the legal teams from this statement.
Cleavage is like the sun, you can't help looking,
but it can be dangerous to stare.
While at the Chemists, they told me I should stop taking vitamins,
"why?" I asked, "because shoplifting is illegal," they said.
I got some of those new 2012 Olympics Walkers crisps today, they were actually really nice,
especially the Korean ones, they're the dogs bollocks.
LEGO Drum Kits. If you can't beat them, join them.
Confucius say, man with tool in woman's mouth,
not necessarily dentist !
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds,
he should move somewhere else.
I really need to confront my phobia of German sausages, but I fear the wurst.
Whenever I take a sip of my Evian it comes straight back up,
it must be spring water.
Shoe shop sign reads:- 'Buy One Get One Free Sale',
surely that's what usually happens with all shoe sales, unless you're Heather Mc Cartney.
My mate called me up to ask, "what're you up to at the mo?",
"probably failing my driving test", I told him.
I was gutted when my cat drowned in the washing machine,
but at least he died in Comfort.
My mate works as a technician in a sperm bank,
but if anyone asks, he tells them he's in customer solutions.
If you would like to help out with the restoration of our local Church,
give us a bell.
At school I was poor at art, as well as being a nervous asthmatic,
come exams time, I struggled to draw breath.
Audley Harrison on Strictly Come Dancing!
Smart money says he gets knocked out first.
You know you have alcoholic constipation when you can't pass a pub.
I was attacked by a bloke throwing milk and cheese at me today,
I thought, "how dairy".
BBC News - 'Gaddafi might have slipped into Jordan',
slipped in, or fell in???
My mate told me a fish jumped out of the sea and slapped him in the face,
that's got to be codswallop!
I was chatting to this Arab dairy farmer,
or milk Sheikh as he prefers to be called.
Rioters have been storming JJB sports shops across London again,
returning the Arsenal shirts they took last month.
With Tim Cook in charge of Apple, could the headlines be....
''Cook promises to improve Apple turnover''?.
Owen Hargreaves' move to Manchester City has broken down amid another injury scare,
he fell out of the transfer window.
Got in a fight with a sea creature that I thought was my friend,
turned out he was anemone.
They said being blind would hinder my chances of becoming a comedian,
don't see them laughing now!
If on the way back from the pub, you see a little alien with red hat and fishing rod sat in a garden,
it may be an E.T faux gnome situtaion.
An apostrophe is the difference between a business that should know its shit, and a business that should know it's shit.
BBC News - 'Gaddafi might have slipped into Jordan',
is there nothing that woman won't do for publicity!
Anyone else notice how, "National Rail Timetables", is an anagram of, "all trains aim to be late in"?.
Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the comb I've had for nearly twenty years.
I just can't part with it.
Steve Jobs has resigned to spend his last months pursuing his dream of becoming a chef.
The first thing he'll make is Apple Crumble
What's the worst nightmare for a randy pirate?
A sunken chest with no booty
If your name is Andre, when writing, you should think twice before you sign off with a kiss.
BBC sport news: 'I used to go down easy', admits Joey Barton, remembering his time in prison.
Heard of the new Adam Ant diet?
Don't chew ever, don't chew ever..........
Isn't it funny how, the heavier a woman gets, the easier she is to pick up.
After being escorted out of Kings Cross station with concussion,
I'm beginning to think my Hogwarts acceptance letter was a hoax.
An English cat, named, 'One Two Three' and a French cat, named, 'Un Deux Trois', had a swimming race,
'Un Deux Trois' cat sank.
I was watching the women's golf earlier, couldn't drive for shit,
but they sure knew how to use an iron.
You know things are bad when real life has become more depressing than Eastenders
Who would win in a fight to the death between Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black?
Breaking news: Arsenal trying to buy Henry,
to Hoover out all the dust in the trophy cabinet
I recently got into the illegal trading of large male deer,
it's big bucks.
After knocking one out to porn, try whistling, "When I'm cleaning windows",
while you delete your internet history.
I've got a new job, crushing soft fizzy drink cans,
it's soda pressing.
When the muslim martyr got to heaven, he was gutted to see his 72 virgins were all blokes playing World Of Warcraft
This shepherd said to me, " I've got sixty-eight sheep, would you like to round 'em up for me?",
so I said, "Ok, you've got seventy"
Just got back from my mates funeral ,
he died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball . It was a lovely service.
This girl was disgusted when she saw a suspicious stain on my trousers,
I said I'd had spaghetti carbonara on my lunch break.
For some reason, pasta really turns me on.
I tried to catch some fog earlier,
During the recent riots in Ireland and Greece the protesters were throwing petrol bombs,
can't be doing too bad if they can afford to throw petrol around!!
Has anyone else noticed that the word 'Female' is just, 'Male',
but with the periodic table symbol for 'Iron' attached. Coincidence?
Why are mountains so funny?,
because they're hill areas.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage,
"no thanks, I'm travelling light."
I've been seeing this girl, and she said she doesn't give blow jobs in the first six months,
so I told her to ring me nearer the time.
The Beckhams called their new born girl, Harper Seven,
but if they'd juggled the letters she could've been Even Sharper.
Twitter became popular in France when they learnt they could retweet.
Why did Abu Hamza cross the road?,
to get to the second hand shop.
Rap is like scissors,
it always loses to rock .
In the news:-'German beats pirate with deck chair',
are they sure that wasn't meant to be:- 'German beats pirate TO deck chair' ?
Eurovision is the paralympics of music.
I wish my garden was Emo,
so it would cut itself.
I was so disappointed after travelling all that way to see the Great Wall of China,
it wasn't made of china at all.
Amanda Holden is 8/1 favourite to win 'Rear of the Year',
apparently it's not the first time she has had her rear entered.
Tenerife is a lovely place to go to take the weight of your shoulders
I've just finished reading Kate McCann's new book,
she's left the door open for a sequel
I bought my girlfriend a car last week, but the drivers door won't open for her,
it's a Smart car.
A couple are getting married after meeting on 'Deal or No Deal',
apparently he fell for her the moment she opened her box for him.
Ex Miss Wales and Big Brother contestant Imogen Thomas has had a Super Injunction taken out against her,
to stop her fledgling singing career before it starts. So now she can't get any more Giggs.
A girl at work said to me, 'If you've got nothing on this Friday, pop round for a drink.'
And there your honour rests the case for the defence.
World Cup referee Howard Webb gets MBE for his contribution to United's record 19 premiership titles.
Adeles latest tune,
'It's all over'
A skint old biddy was being robbed, but she had no money, the thief insisted that it must be in her bra or knickers, and starts feeling around.
"I told you I've got no money," she says, "but if you keep doing that, I'll write you a cheque."
How many Tories does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five armed men have been arrested near the Sellafield nuclear site in Cumbria, police said.
Jesus, and I thought the three eyed fish theory was a joke!
I've got a fear of two-letter words,
I get scared just thinking about it.
Did your hear about the Italian Chef that died? He pasta way!
This man was about to throw dough, cheese, and tomatoes at me,
I said, "You wanna pizza me?"
I got shown around an empty perfume factory, it made no scents whatsoever.
I've decided to marry a pencil, can't wait to introduce the parents to my bride 2B.
There's a new band about, sure to make it big, called the 'Blank Cheques',
I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes,
we haven't had a gig yet.
The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn.
"Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs...............like customs officers
What does a ninja warrior and a softcore porn star have in common?
No-one sees them coming.
Two chavs are in a car and no music is playing, who's driving?
Past, Present and Future walked into a bar, it was a tense moment.
My mate has learning difficulties, he attempted suicide this morning,
he didn't succeed, but his spelling is definitely improving.
My friend's mission in life is to shoot as many homosexuals as he can, he's a photographer for the Gay Times
I have a contact lens problem. I have no contact lens solution.
Join the gay society and widen the circle of your friends.
What come in packs of 10 or 20, stink like fuck and are banned from every pub in the country?
Mark said to Paddy, "close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife!".
"Why?", asks Paddy?
Mark replied, "Because yesterday you were shagging her and the whole street was out watching and laughing at you."
"Well", says Paddy, "The fuckin' jokes on them cos I wasn't even home yesterday."
Two crisps are walking down the street and a man pulls up in a car and says, "Do you want a lift?",
and the crisps say, "no thanks, we're Walkers"
Teacher, ''Tommy, why have you brought your cat to school with you today ?''
Tom (crying ,) '' I heard the milk man tell my mum, "when your boy goes to school I'm gonna eat your pussy!", "
'I woke last night to find the Ghost of Gloria Gaynor stood at the foot of my bed.
At first I was Afraid I was petrified
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook,
I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!", next thing I know, 40,000 Muslims have added me as a friend!
I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked miserable,
I thought to myself, ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.
I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said I‘d got the biggest dick she’d ever laid her hands on,
I said, “You’re pulling my leg”
The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused on stage last night.
To be fair the audience did try to warn him…
Got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs,
the birds love it!
An Irish boy is crying at the side of the road. A man asks "what's wrong??", the boy says, "Me ma is dead",
"Oh bejaysus", the man says, "Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you??", the boy replies, "No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on me moind at the moment."
Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C,"he said.
My son wants a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were £70!!!
B*ll*cks to that I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I don't know why people gets so excited about Christmas.
It's just like a normal day to me,
sat at the table with a fat bird that won't gobble anymore
I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat', you probably saw our posters.
Breaking News: Cheese factory explodes. Nothing left but de Brie
99 percent of politicians give the rest a bad name.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time
The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here."
A time traveller walks into a bar
Who named Trojan condoms?
The Trojan horse came through the gates, broke open, and loads of little guys spilled out and fucked everything, doesn't exactly inspire confidence.
Muammar al Gadaffi rails against Arabs wearing Western style neckwear on Youtube,
just another Tie rant.
Owing to the credit crunch, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off
Some nutter said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face", "You'll be sorry." I told him,
"Oh, yeah? Why?" he said,
"Well, you won't get into the corners very well", had him stumped.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
The three greatest lies told by a New Zealander:- 1. My grandmother was a Maori princess 2. I once tried out for the 'All Blacks'
3. Honest. I was only trying to help it over the fence.
Dude gets on a plane, feeling a little bit nervous, asks the Captain, 'How often do these planes crash.'
The Captain turns and says, 'Just the once.'
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to fish and you get rid of him at weekends
The Police raided Bob Geldof's house this morning, where they discovered Amphetamine's, Smack, and Ganja,
but unfortunately they couldn't find his other daughter
I'm not saying that Tesco value viagra is shit,
but even the posters won't stay up.
From Tunisia and Egypt, to Libya,Yemen and Bahrain, the great bacon shortage riots continue.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide,
the librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
Why did the librarian slip and fall on the library floor?
Because she was in the non-friction section.
A man goes into a libary and asks if the book on 'Premature Ejaculation' has arrived,
the librarian said, "yes, it came in earlier than expected"
'Sports Direct Closing Down Sale',
dressing Pikies and Chavs since 2004.
A public toilet in Brighton is being converted into an 8ft by 5ft home,
sounds like a shit house to me.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny
I was chuffed when my lesbian neighbour got me a rolex for my birthday,
but I think she misunderstood after I'd said 'I wanna watch'.
Some geezer told me he'd just bought a Lighthouse,
"well that's your lookout then" I said.
A gay bloke working in a bird sanctuary,
loved a cockatoo.
The local funeral directors are advertising a new glass coffin, but will it be popular?
Remains to be seen
The next door neighbours kid has an imaginary drum kit,
can't beat that
My mate just got married to an Ex Pat out in Thailand,
should I ask?
I ate a couple of Scotch eggs earlier,
the nurse in the Glasgow fertility clinic looked sickened.
I've just read a great book about the cannabis that Jonathan Ross used to smoke. Good weed."
I've just bought a new Prince Charles commemorative teapot,
it never reigns, but it pours.
My mate said his mother-in-law came into where he works today, and he was genuinely pleased to see her,
he's an undertaker.
I went to the doctor, and told him, "I think I might be addicted to twitter",
he said, "sorry I don't follow you"
A couple of chavs are doing a crossword,
"I'm stuck on 2 down, "flightless bird from Iceland" (6, and 7),
mate replies, 'Thats easy ya muppet, 'frozen chicken', innit'
Fernando Torres walks into a bar and says, "Give me a couple of shots please", The barman says, "what's the point?"
I bought a new deodorant stick today. The instructions said remove the wrapper and push up bottom,
I can hardly walk but when I fart the room smells lovely!
Other skate boarders call me gay, I guess for not being able to stay on the board very long,
Let's see how they manage with four inch stilettos on!!
My grandad used to give me sound advice when I was younger,
he was a dab hand with speakers
I went to buy some tennis balls off e bay last night but the site kept crashing,
must be having problems with their server.
"I before E, except after C." Disproved by science
What do you call a well dressed lion ?
A dandy lion.
"The problem with quotes on the internet is that you can never tell if they're genuine" - Winston Churchill 1944
Apparently Apple are to create 2,500 Jobs,
have they now perfected cloning?.
I just bought some weed called 'The Koran'. It comes with a warning on it,:-
'Burning this shit really can get you stoned'.
Never get into a row with a physicist about the size of the universe,
it goes on forever.
What type of tobacco do Emo kids smoke?
There are 26 million people in the UK who support Liverpool.
I've trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine,
it's a Bordeaux collie
Why did the broken clock phone the despotic ruler? ,
because desperate times call for desperate measures
Apparently a consortium have bought a decommissioned Boeing 747 to turn into a high class restaurant,
I can't see that taking off
BBC News confirms that 10,000 Egyptian soldiers have just entered Jordan,
apparently she's a little sore but ready for more.
Occasionally I question my sanity - sometimes, worryingly, it replies.
If you suss out a magician,
is he disillusioned?
With summer coming up I've decided to start a magazine dedicated to ice cream,
I've just had my first scoop
I've been dating a blind girl recently,
she's alright, but her sidekick's a real bitch.
My mate went to a hardcore-Star Trek-fan convention dressed as Chewbacca,
it was a wookie mistake
My ex girlfriend gets really turned on by trippy rave music,
My friend keeps setting fire to Belgian Detectives, he's a Poirotmaniac.
PM urges 'new beginning' for Libya. How about Bibya
I'm an avid campaigner for the preservation of endangered animals.
You should taste my panda jam.
Where ever he is, I'm sure my grandfather is looking down on me.
He's not dead, he's just very condescending.
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be
What's 3 inches long but never stops pleasuring women?,
a credit card
I found my wife slumped over Hadrian's Wall with an empty vodka bottle in her hand.
I think she might be a borderline alcoholic
Liz Taylor - gone for a Burton.
Roses are unicorns, goblins are green,
welcome to the party, I'm Charlie Sheen
If you haven't worn a blindfold at a shooting range before, you should do it,
you don't know what you're missing.
Local Police Station toilet stolen, latest statement says they have nothing to go on.
What's the object of Jewish American football?,
to get the quarter back
Madonna at an African florists: "I'd like some flowers please",
"Orchids?", "no, just the flowers thanks".
Just saw a box of After Eights for sale on e bay,
My mates new bird has been around the block a few times... Like most women she's shit at parking
People think I'm a motorbike stuntman, 'always pulling wheelies', I tell them,
but I'm really just a bin-man
As a painter, I'm proud to say some of my work is on show in the National Gallery,
I did the skirting boards.
Libyan Conflict latest: The French have surrendered, the Italians have switched sides,
and the USA have implemented the no fly zone and accidently shot down all Britsh aircraft
David Cameron should get British Airways in onboard in the Libyan crisis,
they're the real experts when it comes to air strikes
Can deaf people tell the difference between a yawn and a scream?
Supply teacher absconds, there's no substitute for class.
I got arrested for selling flags in the street. Trading standards
Great, they've mixed my cannabis with my beef, I don't think much of this burger joint
Did you hear about the Frenchman who could only count to seven?,
he had a huit allergy
If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear,
would Greece help ?
Bilbo Baggins of the Shire died in bed last night after an overdose of Viagra,
I guess old Hobbits die hard
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed,
"It's worth shelling out on good speakers," he said.
Many things can be preserved in alcohol.
Dignity is not one of them.
The world's first 'gay' computer game has been released.
It came out on Friday.
Arsenal are going to erect a statue of Jim Bowen outside the Emirates, with an inscription below:-
"here's what you could've won!"
I went to the doctors and said, "I'm sick and tired of finishing crosswords so quickly!",
he said, "Try not to get two down sir."
I dreamt I was drowning in an ocean of orange soda,
but it was just a Fanta sea
I bought my girlfriend a Smart Car today,
it won't let her in
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up,
I wish I'd never put it on now
BBC News: Olympic Countdown Clock has Stopped, I think its a wind-up.
Couldn't tune into news in my new Nissan so I asked the dealer, is this radio active?
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?,
they're fun to ride but you dont want your friends to find out.
Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condom?,
it hangs around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
I used to fight a lot in my youth, now I just play computer games,
I'm an ex boxer.
I've just founded a band called "The Prevention". We're going to be better than "The Cure"!
Raoul Moats accomplice Karl Ness has been given a life time prison sentence,
however it's his brother Loch thats the real monster.
I'm absolutely gutted, my bank account has been emptied.
I guess I'm just lucky to have the Nigerian government paying my lottery winnings in next week!!
I used to get paid fifty pounds an hour just to clean up leaves from peoples gardens,
I was raking it in.
I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double,
the barman brought out a bloke who looked just like me.
A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink,
'What's your pleasure?', he asks,
the seal replies, 'Anything but Canadian Club.'
Do people with Parkinson's shoot steady footage during earthquakes?
I just saw a fat singer with a laptop,
I think it was a Dell
I just got a new job as an auctioneer,
they told me I had a lot to offer.
I can't understand what all that fuss was over female linesman,
I mean, if there's one thing women specialise in, it's pointing out mens mistakes.
I learned everything I know about the trapeze online,
I couldn't have done it without the net.
I hear about Tsunami's on my longwave radio.
Bob Geldof, Its people like you who give kids a bad name
Last night I fell asleep on a bed of rice. I was out as soon as my head hit the pilau.
The mother in-law phoned today and said, "come quick I think I'm dying",
I replied, "phone me back when you're sure"
Tottenham have announced plans to build a 90,000 seater stadium to rival that of Barcelona's,
it'll be called the Jew Camp.
I wanted to sue the airline because they damaged my luggage.
When I showed the badly damaged remains to my lawyer
he said, "You don't really have much of a case."
I was going to write a joke about Katie Price's orifices,
but they've all been done.
I'd heard that Givenchy were bringing out a new scent,
but it's just aroma
My computer lets me save up to a dozen videos of musical concerts,
it has a 12 gig memory
Blonde humour isn't everyone's plate of tea.
I saw BT van with a sticker saying, 'No tools in this vehicle overnight', as in, it's not a camper van?.
I'm going to compete in a marathon dressed as Michael Jackson. Not quite sure which race yet
Women have to deal with periods and pregnancy, men have to deal with women. It's all about balance."
While driving I had an accident with a magician. It wasn't my fault, he came out of nowhere
I saw a girl in the distance. She had horizon me
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop wanking,
so I asked, "why?", she said, "because I'm trying to examine you."
A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there, he complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."
I was once bitten on the arse by a German Shepherd, but he apologised afterwards and even introduced me to his dog.
How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea,
doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft...
Honestly some people take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs at the bus stop, all I said was "How ya getting on?"
Why do fat people spend all day browsing the internet?
To get more cookies.
Me and the girlfriend stayed at her grandparents’ place last night. I learned two things, it's not easy finding your way back to bed in a strange, dark house in the middle of the night, and that her gran is quite partial to a bit of anal.
Tease violent muggers by wearing headphones down a dark alleyway but having no iPod for them to steal.
I'm not a fan of innuendos, but I do try to slip one in occasionally.
I hate it when people leave the fridge open.
Its not cool.
My mate told me there's a documentary on TV, about a charity asking for donations in the form of time-keeping devices,
I might give it a watch.
Went into a brothel and said "how much for anal?", she said sixty quid, I said, "ah thats a bit expensive, I think I'll leave it",
she said, "tight arse", so I said "oh go on then".
I like to wear protection whilst having sex.
A balaclava usually does the trick
Teenage girl keeps confusing Facebook and My Space and ends up inviting people to "come on My Face".
On the upside, she's got 273,412 friends now.
63% of men have had sex in the shower. The other 37% have never been to prison.
Vegetarians. My food shits on your food.
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Royal mail have just released a new stamp with a picture of a clitoris on it, but had to withdraw it immediately because only 5 percent of men knew how to lick it properly!
A couple of Chavs went to the sperm bank in London, but the day turned into a total disaster,
one of them missed the tube and the other came on the bus!
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What's the difference between a kangaroo & a kangaroot?
One is a kangaroo & the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift.
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here".
Elton john goes to the tattooist and says he wants a rolls Royce tattooing on his dick!,
tattooist says "you'd be better off with a land rover! it wont get stuck in the mud"
"Mummy where do babies come from?", "well daddies make a liquid called sperm & put it inside mummy's"
"do mummies swallow it?", 'only if they want new shoes.'
Paddy is in a disco, he asks a girl "how about a shag", she replies,
"I'm on my menstrual cycle." "Great " says paddy "I'm on my scooter, I'll follow you home".
Why did the leprechaun wear two condoms...? to be sure, to be sure
A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
What's the similarity between a short sighted gynaecologist and a dog?
They both have wet noses.
How come in 1967, the Israeli's beat Egypt in just 6 days?
Because the equipment was rented.
How do you know when a Frenchman has been in your backyard?
Your bin is empty and your dog is pregnant.
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Sincerity is everything, if you can fake that you've got it made.
Disappointed in Richard Keys & Andy Gray.
In this day and age women in football should be given more respect, especially them fitties on Sky
A jury: 12 people who decide which client could afford the best lawyer
"Lead me not into temptation", I'll get there just fine on my own!!
Levi Strauss died on September 26, 1902 at the age of 73, and never married.
Ironically he didn't get to pass his genes on to the next generation
An invisible man married an invisible woman,
their kids were nothing to look at either
BBC News:- Harriet Harman says- "Johnson out Balls in", Parliament porn??
It's ok to smoke weed in the rain, but don't in hail
Transvestites are men who like to eat, drink, and be Mary
News report:- Petrol stations will start playing porn movies at the pump so customers can see someone else getting shafted at the same time!
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on 'John F Kennedy',
the librarian says:- "I'm sorry sir, that's been taken out"
Breaking news, optimist drowns in bath half full
If there really were a God, and he dropped acid, would he see people?
Women like silent men, they think they're listening
The older you get, the better you delude yourself you were
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be
able to say it.
Did you hear about the psychic Eskimo?
Roy Hodgson may have been sacked, but Liverpool fans will always have something to remember him by,
The Queen visited a Post Office depot this morning,
security had to step in when someone tried to lick the back of her head
What do you get when you mix the Australian cricket team with an Oxo cube?
A laughing stock!!
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Red meat isn't bad for you,
furry, green meat is bad for you.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can't even get into my own pants.
I'd just like a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.
I've been on so many blind dates,
I must be eligible for a free dog.
I was always suspicious my parents didn't want me,
my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
If you receive a message telling you to avoid canned pork because of a risk of contracting swine flu, ignore it, it's just spam
What do you call a good cricketer in Australia?
I just passed a whole field of sheep on the bus today
what on earth they were doing on the bus I don't know
Gerry Rafferty is to be buried at the same cemetery as Ronald McDonald and Heath Ledger,
Clown to the left of him, Joker to the right!
Sales of beer bottles & tinned goods have fallen in Australia recently,
it turns out they haven't got any openers
Never call a man a fool,
borrow from him.
Hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse
What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?,
the amount of time he'll spend looking for it.
What do anniversaries and toilets have in common?,
men always miss them
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?,
the position of the dirt bag
How do you get a fat person in bed?,
piece of cake.
I love defenceless animals,
with a nice gravy.
The neighbour asked if he could use our lawnmower, "of course", I said, "as long as you don't take it out of my garden".
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor
One good thing about egotists, they don't talk about other people.
What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?,
the entire Australian innings.
What do Ponting and Michael Jackson have in common?,
they both wear gloves for no apparent reason
Australian coach to reshuffle their batting line up,
and move Extras up the order.
What is the height of optimism?,
an Australian batsman applying sun cream
I often say to myself, - "I can't believe that cloning works"
Ok, I've officially had it with cold turkey now,
I'm gettin' back on to the heroin!!
Happy new Christmas and a merry new year for 1975 from all of us at the alzheimers association
Is the fear of getting stuck in a chimney Santaclaustrophobia?
What colour is the sky over Japan? Brew.
My mate said he always has the last word with his wife,
There's a vicious new computer virus being spread through Twitter,
apparently it's untweetable
My deaf ex girlfiend left me for one of her deaf friends,
I'm gutted, I should have seen the signs.
My girlfriend said she'd like an animal skin coat for Christmas,
so I bought her a donkey jacket
I've started cooling my beer outside in these sub zero temperatures.
I got the idea from the old lady next door, she's been doing it with her milk bottles.
I recently bought a wig made entirely from bum hairs,
but it keeps blowing off!
Make something idiot proof and soon enough along will come a better idiot.
The other morning I shot a giant rat in my pyjamas,
what the hell he was doing in my pyjamas I'll never know.
Without a plan, nothing can go wrong.
Our Grandmother was a very cultivated lady,
she was born in a greenhouse.
Apéritif:: French for a set of dentures.
I'm so embarrassed, I,ve just had a letter back from Screw Fix......
turns out they're not a dating agency after all.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up
Ambition is a lame excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy
My mate's a workaholic, anyone mentions work and he gets drunk.
They say money talks, but all mine ever says is "goodbye."
I like to drink my Brandy neat,
but sometimes I take my tie off and leave my shirt out
I got home from work and the wife said, - "I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner",
I said, "Dont worry-- I'll get you a new cat"
Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's,
"Well you can't say fairer than that then".
I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It costs 10p a month over 2 years
Driving down the motorway with my bird, she got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it,
so we took the next exit, but it was a turn-off.
If your friend Jack helped you on to a horse..
would you then help Jack off the horse ?
I took a urine test at the hospital today,
this kleptomania's getting out of hand.
Sun News: It will be setting tonight and is expected to rise first thing in the morning
Doctor- I think I've got Hermes.
Don't you mean herpes?
No. I think I'm a carrier
Got really emotional this morning at the petrol station,
don't know why, just started filling up.
My girlfriend said that she had predictive text,
so I sent her a message saying, "I'm shagging your sister".
She didn't predict that.
What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
I went to the doctor the other day I said 'have you got anything for wind',
so he gave me a kite.
2 gay cowboys talking to each other,
one says 'yup', the other says 'yep'
The animated history of the Hundred Years War,
a long drawn out battle
I'm learning to joust in the evenings.
Well, it's actually knight classes.
Paddy and Murphy race up a hill,
"If I'm first I'll write my name at the top" says Paddy,
Murphy says, "If I'm first I'll rub it out"
Anyone who thinks they can stop the tide is a cnut.
I hate all confectionery...
Children shouldn't watch big band performances on TV,
too much sax and violins.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
What did the Bhuddist say to the hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
What's the difference between a musician and a savings bond?
A savings bond eventually matures and earns money.
What is a Honeymoon Salad?
Lettuce alone without any dressing.
What do you call a Spaniard who had his car stolen?, -
What are the three most important rings in life?,
the engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Why was the hearse horse hoarse?,
because of the coffin.
A cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded "Take me to the canaries".
Their's a spider living in my keyboard, but it's alright, I've got him under control.
Is a sleeping bull a bulldozer?
A girl friend of mine said the recent snow fall reminded her of sex-
"You never know how many inches you're gonna get or how long it'll last".
How do you stop football hooligans charging?
Cancel their credit cards.
Q: Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
A: When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.
Q: Why do elephants have big ears?
A: Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.
Q: What do elephants use as tampons?
Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
A: Sheep don't have strings.
Sepp Blatter,the football world's version of Robert Mugabe
What do you call a stolen yam?
A hot potato.
What do you get if you divide the circumference
of a pumpkin by its diameter?
News: 'Audley Harrison Continues to Box'.
Apparently Amazon have taken on extra packers for the Christmas rush
Whenever I buy rocket salad it always goes off before I can eat it.
When I found out that my masseuse is also a prostitute, I was relieved.
What's four inches long and only goes in One Direction?
Louis Walsh's cock.
There are two words in a person's life that will open a lot of doors for them.... PUSH and PULL
What's Audley Harrison & a schoolkid got in common?
They both need picking up 'round 3
I feel like I've been 12 rounds with Audley Harrison.
I raised the alarm at work today.
The midgets were furious
In the hard times of this economy, a dog isn't just for Christmas.
If you carve it right it can last a couple of weeks
Hear about the gay cowboy? He rode into town and shot up the sheriff
The proctologist reassured the patient that his condition could be rectified.
Buddhist at the dentists refuses pain-killers because he wanted to transcend dental medication
In the room the curtains were drawn, but the rest of the furniture was real.
What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?
I accidentally swallowed some food colouring the other day,
the doctor says I'll be fine, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran
There's a sign on the lawn at the drug re-hab center that says- 'Keep off the Grass'.
A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He said to the bartender, Im looking for the man who shot my paw
"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."
"Being an England football fan is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."
"As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."
There's a town in Illinois called Beecher, it has a tool and die company named 'Beecher Tool and Die'
"A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink."
What do you give a cannibal that's late for dinner? The cold shoulder
A Scouser goes to a prostitute, she says, ‘Do you want a blow job?’ so he asks, ‘Will it affect me dole money?’
I took our dog to the vet today, after examining the hound he told me he'd have to put her down,
"what's wrong with her?", I asked, "she's too heavy for me" he replied
I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'
A fight kicked off at a fancy dress Bonfire night party, police arrested two youths, dressed as a battery, and a firework.
They charged one and let the other one off.
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
The longest sentence in the English language: - " I do "
Is Karl Marx's tomb a communist plot?
A container ship full of blue paint has collidided with a container ship full of red paint,
the crew have been marooned
Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.
Marriage isn't a word. It's a sentence.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Remember, there's always light at the end of the tunnel,
just pray it's not a train.
After assessing the gas explosion in Salford, Police have estimated it caused at least half a million pounds worth of improvements
ironically on the top shelf.
My dyslexic mate rubbed shoe polish all over his dick at 1am on sunday morning, he was trying to turn his cock black
How do they celebrate Halloween in Norwich?
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks
"Do you sell Viagra here?"
The man then asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"
" If you took five or six pills at once you might sir."
I entered ten puns into a pun contest to see which one would win.
No pun in ten did
Q: What have Gareth gates and Harold Shipman got in common?
A: Neither of them can finish a sentence
What is brown and runs around a field?
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
I've got Alzheimers.
Cheese on toast.
Every time the doorbell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner. He's a boxer.
Man in court for beating his wife............... Judge asks "why do you keep beating her?", defendant replies:- "I think it's my weight advantage, hand speed, longer reach, and superior footwork"
What do you get if you cross a soldier and a chilli?
Just seen Durex's latest condom product . The Crystal Palace range comes in two colours, home and away, guaranteed to fit any prick
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other:-
"Do you know how to drive this?"
For sale: Dead Canary
Not going cheap
A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my girlfriend while she was in the bath.
I tried to help, but I could only knock one out.
My grandad rode national hunt horses until he was run down by a steamroller.
Luckily for him, he went on to be a successful flat jockey
The Grim Reaper came for me but I fought him off with my hoover.
I was Dyson with death.
I got a brand new hedge-trimmer today,
It's state of the art cutting hedge technology
I've got a dog called Curiosity
Watching Anne Widdecombe on Strictly Come Dancing.
The guy she is with looks like he is trying to steer a tractor
Why did the mexican push his wife of the cliff?
While walking in the park I saw a man with this amazing dog, it had put a tent up, lit a fire and was cooking some beans.
"Bloody hell, thats a clever dog mate"
"Its a guide dog" he replied.
I've been asked to take part in a crime scene reconstruction of a murdered campanologist for Crimewatch.
Apparently I'm a dead ringer.
I was brought up to believe I could be anybody I wanted to be.......Turns out the police call that identity theft!
Never argue with an idiot.
He'll drag you down to his level and beat you with experience
I always carry a bottle of acid in my pocket so if anyone tries to.attack me I can throw it in their face.
Then all I need to do is outrun them for an hour until they start tripping.
So Ed Milliband has described the decision to invade Iraq as, 'wrong'. NO SHIT SHIRLOCK!!
I can't wait for the speech where he declares that the invention of penicillin was, 'useful'.
Man walks into butchers and says can I have an ox tail please? Butcher says sure......once upon a time......
A woman walked into a library and asked for a book on euphemisms.
So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it.
BBC News: Australia has its first female PM.
I predict their economy will crash... Into the back of another economy.
If you get a message from your boyfriend saying that he wants to "kick your puppy", don't call the RSPCA...
He's just not very good at predictive text.
A book just fell on my head.
I've only got myshelf to blame.
What's long and hard and makes women groan?
An Ironing Board.
What's the biggest difference between men and women?
What they mean, when they say: "I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film."
Why does the French flag have Velcro?
So the blue and red sections are easily removed during a time of war.
What did Osama Bin Laden cook on Ready Steady Cook?
Big Apple Crumble.
Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.
Why doesn't Viagra work on chavs? 'Cos they only get hard when they've got ten mates behind them.
First we had mad cow disease, then bird flu and now swine flu.
What the fuck is this?Farmageddon?
Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?
What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air? A dead centipede.
BIGAMIST: A heavy fog in Essex
Maths and alcohol don't mix. Don't drink and derive.
Xerox and Wurlitzer are going to merge and make reproductive organs.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
To do is to be. - Descartes
To be is to do. - Voltaire
Do be do be do. - Sinatra
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.
If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?
If space & time are the same as Einstein said, can you be five miles late?
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Practice safe eating-always use condiments.
Men to women:-
..If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
.. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
..If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
..If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
..Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
What's the difference between a mugger and a peeping Tom? A mugger snatches watches.
What's the difference between a dog and a fox? About eight pints.
A woman tells her friend she's received a bunch of flowers from her husband.
"I suppose I'll have to spend the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air," she says
"Why, don't you have a vase?"
Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Employee performance evaluation quotes:-
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"
"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"
"He would argue with a signpost"
"He has knack for making strangers immediately"
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"
"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
Where does Spiderman watch porn?
On the web
My mate married a Czech girl who took 5 hours to Hoover the living room....
...Maybe she was a Slo Vac
Police believe murdered MI6 operative Gareth Williams may have been killed by a gay lover, as Williams was a Mince Spy.
I went to the butchers yesterday and he offered me 50 quid to reach these two pieces of meat on the top shelf!
I said no, the steaks are too high
BBC News: Trapped Chile miners get supplies
I didnt realise collecting peppers was so dangerous, let alone underground
Wanna know how to make a duck into a soul singer?
Put it under the grill 'til it's Bill Withers
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez.
It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.
Heres a great tip for you: if you install the French versions of your favourite programmes, they run a lot faster.
I see that Stephen Hawking is ill in the hospital.
Have they tried turning him off and then back on again?
Yesterday evening I had to change a lightbulb, a bit later on I crossed the road, then walked into a bar.
I began to realised my life was one big joke.
Apparently David Hasselhoff is changing his name to David Hoff, he can't be arsed with the Hassel anymore.
What's the difference between Yes and No..
If Paul the Octopus had put a bet on all his predictions he'd have been squids in by now
I just bought some Sainsbury's sausages, and there's a picture of Jamie Oliver on the front. On the back it says 'prick with fork', cant argue with that!
Did you hear about the nervous nurse who accidentally dropped a baby she was delivering?
She was having a mid-wife crisis.
Im always polite and courteous when I build anything,
Im a civil engineer.
Why do seagulls have wings?
So they can beat the gypsies to the tip.
How does Raoul Moat collect his thoughts?
With a squeegee.
I put a dart board on the ceiling yesterday but I don't like using it because it makes me throw up.
How can you tell a head nurse?.
She's the one with the sore knees!
I hung my England shirt out on the washing line last night, went to fetch it this morning and some bastard had nicked my pegs.
Is karate for amputees called partial arts?
Just went outside and got hit on the head with a lasagne and a black forest gateaux. Must be the fallout from iceland.
Politicians are like nappies. They need changing regularly. And for the same reason.
I went for a date on ecstasy last night.
It's far better than speed dating.
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
How come you never see the headline:- "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
I've spent all day searching for a U2 CD...
...but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
I was walking along the street when a police officer approached me and asked:- "Where were you between 5 and 11?" :- "at primary school" I replied
How does a Chinese bloke make a beer recipe?
With a brewprint.
What do you call a Frenchman who has been knighted?
John Prescott - A man who can light up a room...
...by moving away from the window.
A man came up to me and said, "Knock knock .."
I said, "You must be joking".
Get your money on the Irish horse ‘Priests Leap’ at 240-1 in the Grand National, it’s bound to come from behind to take it.
I went to a pub quiz with a couple of mates, in Moss Side. First question was ''What the fuck are you looking at?''
A tip for the Grand National:
There's a 50/1 outsider called Creosote.
It's good over fences.
What happens when you mix up your Viagra and laxatives?
It makes you crap in bed.
What do you call a hi-fi that will never let you down? A sound system!
I gave my ex girlfriend crabs, I think that was the reason she left me, giving her such ridiculous birthday presents.
I pretended to be an African tribal doctor for a day.
I'm sick and tired of people saying that Americans are all fat and unhealthy.
They're just mall nourished.
A lorry carrying onions has overturned on the M62.
Police are urging motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on
I wish I was the environment
At least that's getting fucked.
If I have one vice it's to be screwed against the side of a bench
Just heard NASA are sending 4 women into space today.
They're just trying to prove that no space is big enough for a woman to park in.
Woke up this morning to a load of bloody bills on the doormat.
Those ducknappers mean business.
What do you call a former French president who drives a taxi?
What do police earn at night?
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
People in glass cake shops.
Shouldn't throw scones
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
I wrote a book on penguins, on reflection, paper would have been better.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Volvo?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
A fireman runs into a classroom holding a screwdriver and yells:
"Quick, everyone get out. This is not a drill!"
I met a smelly goose the other day. It honked.
I rolled up a stiff carpet and smoked it. I'm on the hard rugs
Who is the coolest guy in a hospital ? – The ultra sound guy
Ah...The irony of playing a game of chess against your Czech mate
Did you hear about the two gays in a phone box?
They were ringing each other
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load
of terrapins, it was a turtle disaster.
I ordered a chair for my mother in law but I had to send it back.
There was nowhere to plug it in.
Just drove past Selhurst Park and saw two tickets nailed to a fence, I thought to myself "I'll 'ave them!". Can never have enough nails.
Saw a shoplifter being arrested this morning by an albino policeman. I thought to myself, "That's a fair cop."
My wife asked me to fix a plug for her this morning.
Had a Tug at work today,
I'm a Harbour Master.
Just found a new position in the Kama Sutra called " The Plumber",
you both get to stay in all day but no one cums...!
I brought back a large stone from Ireland as a souvenir but it's turned out to be something else. It's a sham rock.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced? About a buck an ear...
After the success of the Harry Potter series, Bloomsbury have commissioned a new book. It's quite similar to Harry Potter, full of fantastic character, magic and 100% fiction, it's called The Bible.
The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.
My girlfriend joined a gym the other day but she quit after the 1st session because women wouldn't stop coming on to her. Turns out it wasn't a gym it was a lezza centre.
Just seen on the side of a van "Robert and Robert Painters and Decorators" Sounds like a two bob outfit to me.
'Pope knocked out in 1st round of the Vatican chess comp'. Apparently he doesn't know the difference between a Bishop and a Queen
Porn makes my calves tense up and my toes pointy, being really short makes the top shelves hard to reach.
Did you hear about the wooden Japanese athlete? He was a splinter.
When I die I want to go quietly in my sleep like my Grandfather....... Not screaming like his passengers.
I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.
Apparently, before his death, Bernard Manning was going to team up with Robbie Williams and form a boy band called F**k That
I was reading a book...'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He'll now be known as the Lord of the Flies.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
I bought a clock that runs on batteries. When I got it home I realized they'd given me the wrong one. I think it was a wind up.
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Politicians can be ok, as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, like working for a living.
I'm addicted to placebo's, I'd give them up but it wouldn't make any difference!!
Jigsaw murderer falls to pieces at trial and gets sentenced to 4 years and over
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy
My 90 year old grandmother has finally lost her marbles. So now she insists on playing dominoes all bleeding day.
The Premature Ejaculation Society are holding their annual dinner dance next Friday, dress code:- come in your pants
Inside every Russian lady... There's another Russian lady.
I absolutely hate being schizophrenic. Best thing in the world.
I have a great book about the Velvet Underground in my bathroom. Well, everyone needs a loo read.
If all else fails, stop using all else.
I've just realized that tofu is over-rated, it's just a curd to me.
My girlfriend and I like to dress up as Adrian Balboa and Apollo Creed, I think we're going through a Rocky patch.
I'm going on a blind date tonight. I hope our dogs get on.
I just booked a Chinese Journey tribute act to sing at my funeral - All together now "Don't stop bereaving!"
I couldn't find the oxo cubes anywhere in our local shop today. They must have been out of stock.
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant
The nice part about living in a small town is when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
I've just been on Dragon's Den with my automatic blow job machine. Didn't go down very well.
2 nuns cycling down a cobbled street...
One says to the other, "I've never come this way before"..
The other replies.. "Must be the cobbles".
BOOKSHOP OWNERS. To annoy Christians, place the bible in the fiction section of your shop. Which is where it belongs anyway.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Dont forget today is about that amazing kind man who helps strangers, died and was reborn... HAPPY DOCTOR WHO DAY EVERYONE!!!
A man walked into a urine sample centre yesterday and stole 5 bottles of urine, but then returned the empty bottles. He was just taking the piss.
What do you call kids with lisps born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts
We welcome our new sponsor: Dickens Cider "My wife loves it. Nothing warms her up on a cold day like a nice hot Dickens Cider."
You know what really floats my boat? Buoyancy.
Manchester City have sold Shaun Wright-Phillips to Madonna.
I hear that a scottish epileptic is expecting a wii fit for Christmas.
Sign in a pet shop window: "Free legless parakeet. No perches necessary."
I was at a fancy dress party last night and saw a bloke dressed as James Bond, with a sheep under his arm and mashed potato on his head. He was a shepherd spy.
My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.
Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" So I sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy!
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning." He replied, "No, just having a shit."
Katie Price One of the few people in the world who can use their personality as a contraceptive.
Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
The cannibal's cookbook titled 'How to Better Serve your Fellow Man' was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.
I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
P Diddy to buy Crystal Palace FC ? He must have misread the advert ? Probably thinks he's buying a huge pile of rap ?
I ate a broken record for lunch. Now it's repeating on me.
What does an agnostic dyslexic do when experiencing insomnia?:- Sit up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
My mate said the drink I bought him tasted funny. It was a cheap shot.
I've tried and tried but I just can't persuade Keith Chegwin to come out on the lash with me. Oh well. I guess cheggers can't be boozers.
I always go to work wearing baggy trousers in honour of my favourite band. My wife thinks it's Madness.
I was dancing with this woman but she had no sense of direction and kept bumping into everybody. Bloody women jivers.
I was driving down the road when I ran over some humus. A little further on, I hit taramasalata. Then I saw a road sign: 'Caution - dips in road’
100 bottles of antibacterial hand gel stuck in customs, they want £150 to release them. The owner's washed his hands of the matter.
I have just spotted a cheating French footballer playing on my games console,it was Thierry on Wii.
Did you hear about the Chinese man murdered in the storage cupboard?
He was taken by supplies
What do you call the bloke that butchers sheep in a slaughterhouse?
After reading about the evils of drinking, Ive decided to give up reading
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
A bloke in leather shorts and tight vest top came up to me, gave me his number and said, "You look like you could use some fun. Call me."
I'm going to call him tomorrow. Hopefully he'll take me to Alton Towers or something.
Why are there no casinos in China?
Cause the Chinese hate Tibet.
I saw a woman in the high street today selling novelty size mobile phones;
She had the biggest pair of Nokias I've ever seen.
Police have discovered a terrorist plot to put bombs in tins of alphabet soup,
if one goes off it could spell disaster.
My friend Sid has started calling himself S.
He's had to, someone stole his ID.
I met a girl with a pint on her head at the pub last night, her name was Beatrix.
I just got a fright from a chinese travel agent.
As the old man stood in front of him in his robes clutching his wand, Harry Potter regretted transferring to catholic school.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
I bought some Dorito swimming trunks today, I might go for a dip later.
Just found out my new toaster isn't waterproof, I was shocked.
A Brazilian sent off because the opposition claimed they got hit in the face
France in disarray after cheating their way into the tournament. Karma ?
I was put off religion at an early age, my dad said that it's not normal to talk to imaginary friends.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association.
I've just seen this Policeman dancing around the street, barking like a dog and exposing himself.
It's PC gone mad.
I was up in the attic recently, and found my granddads old wig weaving machine.
It's a family hair loom
How come when your Wife's pregnant all her female friends rub her tummy and say congratulations, but none of them rub your dick and say well done?
Before my mate died, his profession was a roofer.
I like to think he's still up there somewhere.
' Your Toyota is My Toyota ' - something tells me this advert was made by a Scouser.
Robert Green's agent has been quick to defend the player, saying that he still has a glittering future ahead of him.
Hedgehogs; Why can't they just share the hedge?
I came home and found my mum slumped in her chair with needles in her arms.
She always falls asleep when shes knitting.
How do you stop a French tank?
I've started working for a bicycle wheel making company.
I'm the spokesman.
I just got a letter in the post offering me a heavy duty protective metal vest for half the normal price.
I ignored it, I hate chain mail.
I went to London on a stag do last week and had sex with a model.
I was then thrown out of Madame Tussauds.
I used to have a job in origami.
Until the company folded.
On a shit night out I got asked how I still manage to stay so upbeat and happy,
With E's, I replied.
Sex and the City, a dull, vacuous story about 3 women and their pet horse.
I once made a submarine out of polystyrene.
It didn't go down very well.
Just read a book on the psychology of camping,
It was in tents
I was born to be a pessimist.
My blood type is B Negative.
Got caught sniffing Tippex the other day.
I've been admitted to a correction centre.
My singing coach is such a selfish bastard.
It's always bloody mi mi mi with him.
Apparently the word "Gypsy" isn't politically correct anymore,
they are now to be called Caravan Utilising Nomadic Travellers
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Six inches isn't enough.
Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.
With the most spectacular murders and suicide of recent times, I wonder if some tabloids half considered using the headline 'Bird's Dream Topping', but bottled it.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How are women and tornadoes alike?
They wail and moan when they come, and take the house when they leave.
Give fat people a break, don't they have enough on there plates.
The disembodied limbs of a Bradford prostitute were found tied up in plastic bags.
Police believe it's the work of the Yorkshire Wrapper.
A mate of mine accused me of acting French yesterday.
I had to surrender the point.
How does a Welshman eat his cheese? Caerphilly
I threw a biscuit at my neighbour the other day, but he ducked.
I always wondered why there were so many confused looking fat people in the crowd at Kettering Football Club.
Then I realised their initials...
What do you call an actor who berates the bible?
Rats are under rated. Just check your dictionary.
Apparently Ray Alan, the ventriloquist who died this week, was said to have committed suicide. The police found his body next to a bottle of pills and a gottle of geer.
A fisherman was trying to learn the alphabet.
He got lost at C.
I couldn't find the TV channel changer, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it.
They said she left me yesterday.
I went to a military barracks canteen recently,
It was a mess.
My doctor told me that I'd be lucky to reach 50.
That's the last time I give him a lift in my Robin Reliant.
People think being a hostage is hard.
I could do it with my hands tied behind my back.
News headlines: 'geography teacher goes missing'.
Irony is a bitch.
I just got home to find my wife had polished off the whole bag of fresh prawns I bought.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
Annoyed parent asks son, "How often do you lose bits of your Scalextric?"
"Don't know", he said. "I've lost track".
What do you have when a politician is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
One stops screwing you after you’re dead.
How many Frenchmen does it take to defend France?
Don't know, never been tried
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
What do Gynaecologists and Pizza Delivery Men have in common?
They always get to sniff it, but never get to eat it.
A new sequel to The Exorcist is being filmed. In this version a woman hires the Devil to get a Priest out of her son.
What happens when you give a politician some Viagra?
He gets taller
Went to the zoo and the only animal there was a dog.
It was a Shi Tzu
What do a toy electric train and a woman's breasts have in common?
They’re both meant for children but you can’t keep the dads off them.
Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being met at the staircase by your wife with a broom, and having the nerve to ask: "Are you still cleaning or just going flying somewhere?"
Hear about the man whose credit card was stolen but decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did?.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
My wife started horse riding to try and lose weight.
It worked. The horse lost 30lbs in thirty days.
I was the teacher's pet when I was at school.
She couldn't afford a dog.
My auntie Marge has been ill for so long we changed her name to " I cant believe she’s not better "
I got lucky with this girl the other night at her place, and I couldn’t help but notice the quality of the sumptuous carpet we were on, it was quite a Shag.
Bono, avoid further back injury by not standing so close to The Edge when you're on stage.
My mother-in-law came in to work at lunch today and I must admit, I was genuinely pleased to see her.---I'm an undertaker.
When one man suffers from delusion its called Insanity,
When mass amounts of people suffer from delusion its called Religion.
So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.
Shopping for OXO cubes, I saw beef, chicken, lamb, vegetable and Crystal Palace, so I asked the shop assistant "what’s the Palace one?" she said- "its new out, its the laughing stock"
I've got a new job working at a smoothie bar.
I'm blending in well.
I walked in to find the mother in law lying down,
the wife wasn't too pleased when I said, "I think it's going to rain."
My mate told me he was once blind-folded and put into a gay porno.
He didn't know what came over him.
What do you get when you mix a Granny Smith with a Welshman ?
A Taffy Apple.
The sex last night was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
Bad officials are elected by good citizens
who do not vote.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
I've just got hold of a lorry load of flat batteries.
They were free of charge.
What do Athletico Madrid and God have in common?
Neither of them are real.
I just watched the Greek riots on the news.
The whole place is in ruins.
I find it strange that Peter Crouch has been chosen to promote Pringles.
Is he really that popular or is it just because the picture of him fits so well on the tin?
Why don't Master Card and Visa work well in France
They do not know how to say "CHARGE!"
Ever hear about the constipated accountant?
He tried to work it out with a pen., but he couldn't budget!
In a nutshell... there's a nut
I impulsively bought a cat despite my allergies,
I later realized that it was a rash decision.
I can sympathise for a lot of the priests who committed sexual offences.
Most of them started out as altar boys and got sucked into it.
John Higgins is innocent!
I'm convinced he's being framed!
What's the difference between a wife and a job.
A: After 5 years, the job still sucks.
I'm starting to think that I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, there was an olive was in it.
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
Put it on my bill.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a duck?
Milk and quackers.
I bought some French paving slabs for my garden today,
or white flags as theyre better known.
A man askes his companion, "What's the most common French expression"? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"
You really do have to hand it to the French...After all, they won't fight for it.
Baggy trousers, dirty shirt
Pulling hair and eating dirt
Teacher needs the mob to quell
Back of the 'ead with a metal dumbbell
So Greece are in financial meltdown and need to be bailed out. I blame Shane Richie., he was a crap Danny Zuko.
For her birthday Paul Mcartney bought his ex,
Heather Mcartney a plane, but she'll still have to use a razor on the other leg!
I had a great birthday today, but the cake gave me heartburn, next time Ill take off the candles!!
When I was a child this priest told me I was the cutest looking boy he'd ever seen. I was touched.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Police are investigating a tip off about a robbery taking place this afternoon at the Heinz factory...Sauce Unknown.
I challenged my friend to a game of wii sports.
He pissed all over me.
A Central European trampolining team have gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.
I tried to cover the kitchen floor using a minimal number of slates... but it was a futile effort
I got a new job installing mirrors.
It was something I could always see myself doing
Did you hear about the psychiatrist who kept his wife under the bed? He thought she was a little potty.
Why did the paedophile cross the road?
To get to church and tend his congregation.
The best way to make an apple crumble is to torture it for 10 minutes.
I called my local builder round for a quote on my kitchen, certainly he said:-
"The kitchen is a country in which there are always discoveries to be made" -
Grimod de la Reyniere, 1758-1838
My granddad was killed by a steam train, he was chuffed to bits.
Bus company Arriva have been taken over by a German bus company.
There was no announcement - the drivers just came in to work and found towels on their seats.
I've just seen a huge Egyptian woman sticking her arse out the window of a car.
It was a two-ton car moon.
My girlfriend asked me what DVDs Id like to watch with her. I told her to get lost.
Turns out Lost is some TV series!
I went to a land auction today and just at the crucial bidding moment my phone rang, by the time I had hung up the auction had finished.
I lost the plot.
I was playing poker the other night, and I ran out of cash, so I slapped some meat on the table.
I was raising the steaks.
I got some of those new world cup walkers crisps today, and they were actually really nice.
Especially the Korean ones, they're the dogs bollocks
Long distance relationships are like fat people...
They very rarely work out.
If smoking is so bad for you, how come it can cure dead salmon?
What do dentist's call x-rays?
I've just swallowed some flour, speed and viagra.
I'm coming thick and fast
I thought growing my own lettuce would be difficult but it was quite easy in the end.
It's not rocket science.
I had a dream last night that i was with the grim reaper cutting carrots into small chunks...
..i was dicing with death
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